So I've got some major trust issues. I don't believe some really cares about me unless they are hurting me. This sounds pretty fucked up but it's the truth of the matter. If I have people who genuinely care about me for me and don't want anything from me, I don't trust it. I need motivation to be used to believe that someone else cares about me. I don't know or understand what truly unconditional love or caring really is. To be honest I'm not sure it really exists. Pain can come in many different ways, emotional torture like what my wife puts me through or physical beatings that I take from dominatrixs or financial beatings that I take from clients and business associates. Either way I am stuck in a victim based roll. I don't know how I'll ever change this and I need to if I want to become a decent roll-model for my kids. Opening myself up to becoming truly vulnerable as a person is next to impossible. I think I'm probably just better off single, then I can at least control the levels of trust I'll encounter better than while being in a marriage or committed relationship.
Sounds pretty fucked up - and it is.
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