More of my past

Blog Posting – Pivotal Moment:
I grew up being bullied a lot. As a kid I was always shooting off my mouth when I shouldn’t have and always to the wrong people. The kids in my class never really liked me and I tried to be likeable. I tried learning different ways to get along with other kids but nothing ever seemed to gell. Now when I talk about bullying I’m not talking about the run of the mill teasing kind of bullying. My bullies made my life a living hell and took great pride in doing so. Fights every day after school, dragged through the mud and left beaten and lying on the ground or running home because they finally got so tired of punching and kicking they couldn’t be bothered to chase me. I was run down on my bicycle, on my skateboard, it didn’t matter what method of transportation I used, being beaten up at school was a daily occurrence. And I wasn’t as smart as the other kids who got bullied, they would fall down, cover there heads, look pathetic and not fight back. The bullys would get bored with them and move on after a while. I always fought back, without exception, I always fought back. I couldn’t help but fight back. There was no way for me to not fight back and I wouldn’t stop fighting until the pain was to much to bear or they got bored with fighting and left. It wasn’t just fist fights bullying either, after a while they started to get creative with wedgies, torture sessions, because it was never just one guy but two or three (always the same two or three). Two of them would hold me down while one of them would take turns kicking me in the nuts. Putting my face in the mud. Rubbing Dog Shit on it. There was really no end to it.
Since I was noticeably unpopular sometimes the girls would get in the action as well. This at least provided a mild state of arousal. I remember one time being beaten up and this one girl, about 5 years older than me dug her high heal into my balls and I was smiling and she freaked out. “holy shit, he likes it!” She screemed. She was right, I did like it and I’ve been into pain I think as a result of enjoying bullying. I remember the first time I was in a session and my Dom spat in my face, I thought it was so fucking hot! I remember my Dom’s torturing me and it conjured up these feelings of excitement and fun. I think I’m into humiliation and bondage and discipline because it’s what I’m used to.
I started to really need to divide my world mentally as I got older. I grew stronger and able to defend myself against bullies but longed for the attention the bully gave me, I think that’s why I kept getting into trouble. Eventually I just longed for attention and started to look to 900 numbers, prostitutes and random sexual encounters by anyone who would give me attention. I was starved for it. I would go to anyone who would show me the slightest affection and I still do. I needed control of this and I found control in paying for it. I found by paying for it I could control how much affection I received, when I received it and to some extent, the manner in which I received it. In fact it was when I discovered Dom’s and the way they manage sessions is when I finally felt ok paying for this because it was something that no one else my life would understand or do.