Why is pain pleasure

So I've got some major trust issues. I don't believe some really cares about me unless they are hurting me. This sounds pretty fucked up but it's the truth of the matter. If I have people who genuinely care about me for me and don't want anything from me, I don't trust it. I need motivation to be used to believe that someone else cares about me. I don't know or understand what truly unconditional love or caring really is. To be honest I'm not sure it really exists. Pain can come in many different ways, emotional torture like what my wife puts me through or physical beatings that I take from dominatrixs or financial beatings that I take from clients and business associates. Either way I am stuck in a victim based roll. I don't know how I'll ever change this and I need to if I want to become a decent roll-model for my kids. Opening myself up to becoming truly vulnerable as a person is next to impossible. I think I'm probably just better off single, then I can at least control the levels of trust I'll encounter better than while being in a marriage or committed relationship.

Sounds pretty fucked up - and it is.

So I'm back on this

Today is a really shitty day.

Liz at SRM

I am waiting on some of my ATF's to come back from vacation so I ventured off menu yesterday and wasn't dissapointed. I saw Liz who has had some great reviews on a few boards. She didn't dissapoint. She definitely has a character she likes to stay in while in session which I really appreciated. The massage was great, worked the nots and all. She was pretty open-minded during the session and just gave enough to have me curious to try another session.

She is definitely pretty, fantastic tits and a great body overall. I really enjoyed the session and would highly recommend a body slide. Not sure if she'll become an ATF yet but definitely worth another visit.

Don Mills & Sheppard girls are terrible

So I've been to see a few SP's at Don Mills & Sheppard area. I find they all work out of the same building and that they are all terrible. OK looking, no enthusiasm, dead lays at best. I hate to be negative but these girls are the worst. I went to see a Russian, a Spanish Girl and an Asian. I couldn't believe how bad it was, I thought I was at a fast food joint, they couldn't make me cum fast enough and get me out the door. Their MO is $100 for a half hour and they start asking you to cum in the first three minutes. If you want to go the distance they get really frustrated with you.

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/ers/1589305748.html

Planning out the week

So when I look at my weekly schedule I check for my availability to see my ATF's. This is clearly a bad idea as I can never keep to that rigid of a schedule. The reason I like the MP's and SP's is because of there convenience. I used to go to the movies during the day, it helped kill time and provided a much needed two hours of relief from the daily grind. If I could take two hours out of my day I would - I would go to the gym, go to a movie, go to a gallery, a museum, the number of things I would do with two hours would be endless. I don't have two hours, I have 45 minutes to an hour and I choose to use it doing something entirely different, having sex with hot young attractive women who stoke my ego and provide me with a true escape from my day. That moment when I'm in contact with them, when it's flesh on flesh, when I look in there eyes and can escape to another place entirely. When I am naked and without my pda, laptop or connected to the world. When she doesn't want anything from me except what's in my wallet and for that to be the most honest a person has ever been with me. To be in control of that moment and be able to get what I want. To be able to surrender control to a woman who is paid to do nothing but pleasure me and surprise me with a number of different interests / fetishes is fantastic. This is the power of having money. That isn't to say that I think of them like slaves but I probably do. My purchasing practice is that during the day I am surfing a number of MP web-sites and CL looking for girls in the areas that I am driving through while I'm on the road or within my area. I treat it like a drive-through and I'm pretty impulsive about it. It's about choosing the best of what's available to me at the time that I have available. When I call a girl she's got to be ready in the next 10 minutes or I won't see her. I am a pretty terrible person in the way I go about my purchasing decision and I don't treat the girls with a lot of respect behind the scenes but when I get in front of them it's a different story. When I get in front of them I try to my best to seduce and smooth talk them. I really do need to re-evalute my life and my priorities. I remember when I saw a shrink and asked him about this, he told me it was perfectly normal and to keep it up because it will keep my marriage together. I don't think this is great advise and would love to hear from anyone out there with better advise.

Stephanie at Studio 409

So when your ATF's are all booked up, what are you going to do? Go a little off menu I guess.

Today I went for a session with Stephanie, now to be fair it wasn't totally off menu, I've seen Stephanie before in a duo with Barbie and it was a very intense session. Stephanie is tall which I find extremely hot, I love taller women. Highly recommend the pair. Stephanie is tall and very attractive, 100% natural body and a pretty laid back attitude. She was actually pretty concerned about why I wasn't seeing my ATF which was surprisingly sweet and considerate of her. I told her our schedules weren't working this week and I needed a fix which she was cool with.

Massage wise, it was pretty good, almost RMT quality which surprised me from such a petite frame. She was very attentive and asked me about my interests and what I was into.

After the massage the fun began, I highly recommend her BS, don't be shy about requesting DATY or ATD as well. She has no problems with Digits either and the rest is up to your imagination.

She also has pretty feet that she can use in a way you probably never thought feet could be used. So for all you foot fetishists out there I recommend her as well.

More of my past

Blog Posting – Pivotal Moment:
I grew up being bullied a lot. As a kid I was always shooting off my mouth when I shouldn’t have and always to the wrong people. The kids in my class never really liked me and I tried to be likeable. I tried learning different ways to get along with other kids but nothing ever seemed to gell. Now when I talk about bullying I’m not talking about the run of the mill teasing kind of bullying. My bullies made my life a living hell and took great pride in doing so. Fights every day after school, dragged through the mud and left beaten and lying on the ground or running home because they finally got so tired of punching and kicking they couldn’t be bothered to chase me. I was run down on my bicycle, on my skateboard, it didn’t matter what method of transportation I used, being beaten up at school was a daily occurrence. And I wasn’t as smart as the other kids who got bullied, they would fall down, cover there heads, look pathetic and not fight back. The bullys would get bored with them and move on after a while. I always fought back, without exception, I always fought back. I couldn’t help but fight back. There was no way for me to not fight back and I wouldn’t stop fighting until the pain was to much to bear or they got bored with fighting and left. It wasn’t just fist fights bullying either, after a while they started to get creative with wedgies, torture sessions, because it was never just one guy but two or three (always the same two or three). Two of them would hold me down while one of them would take turns kicking me in the nuts. Putting my face in the mud. Rubbing Dog Shit on it. There was really no end to it.
Since I was noticeably unpopular sometimes the girls would get in the action as well. This at least provided a mild state of arousal. I remember one time being beaten up and this one girl, about 5 years older than me dug her high heal into my balls and I was smiling and she freaked out. “holy shit, he likes it!” She screemed. She was right, I did like it and I’ve been into pain I think as a result of enjoying bullying. I remember the first time I was in a session and my Dom spat in my face, I thought it was so fucking hot! I remember my Dom’s torturing me and it conjured up these feelings of excitement and fun. I think I’m into humiliation and bondage and discipline because it’s what I’m used to.
I started to really need to divide my world mentally as I got older. I grew stronger and able to defend myself against bullies but longed for the attention the bully gave me, I think that’s why I kept getting into trouble. Eventually I just longed for attention and started to look to 900 numbers, prostitutes and random sexual encounters by anyone who would give me attention. I was starved for it. I would go to anyone who would show me the slightest affection and I still do. I needed control of this and I found control in paying for it. I found by paying for it I could control how much affection I received, when I received it and to some extent, the manner in which I received it. In fact it was when I discovered Dom’s and the way they manage sessions is when I finally felt ok paying for this because it was something that no one else my life would understand or do.